How To Find Real Love
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Health Articles / Self-Help Title / Relationships

For most people falling in love means having strong, close, warm, intoxicating feelings. When these feelings pass, (as they must) they feel that the love is gone. Nothing can be further from the truth. When these feelings pass ( as all feelings do)  that is the point at which the love can begin.

For many there is uncertainty about what love actually is. “I don’t know if she’s the right one,” they say. Or, “I’m in love with her, but not in love.” Others say, “I know I’m in love because I can’t live without him. If he leaves, I’ll fall apart.” Others feel that being jealous and possessive means they are in love.

In these cases love is confused with intoxication, excitement, attachment, dependency, and a host of other painful feelings. This kind of love simply becomes an antidote to pain that arises from a life that is not lived fruitfully. These feelings arise from confusion, not only about what love truly is, and how it arises, but from who we really are, and what life itself wants of us in order to be happy and fulfilled.

When we use another person, or use the experience of being “in love”, to fill the void in our own lives, that kind of love always fails. That kind of love always brings disappointment and heartache in its wake. It cannot be otherwise.

So, what is this real love? The one that grows and cannot be shaken? Where do we find it? We do not find it, we do it. This kind of love grows out of deeds. It is not a state of intoxication, but a process of action that is ongoing and strong. It starts with ourselves, and extends out to others. It is not that which we are hunting to receive, but that which we are giving to others. This kind of love, which cannot fail, quite simply, is built upon deeds of worth.

When we fill our lives, and our actions towards others, with deeds of value, deeds that we can respect – actions towards them and ourselves that are loving, respectful, generous, kind, love happens in that very moment. The more actions of this kind that we take towards others and towards ourselves the stronger our foundation of love becomes. No matter how the other is behaving, we can always respond with a deed of worth – with a kind word,a moment of forgiveness,a hug, with seeing the bigger picture. We can open our hands and offer life to them, rather than close our hands and our hearts, clutch and confine them in a tiny world.

What are the deeds of worth you cherish? What is it you need to receive from others in your life? Whether or not you have received it, are you willing to offer it anyway? If you are, you will find yourself in the process of building a life of love that cannot be shaken, and all your relationships will take a completely different turn.

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