Read More About This Book on Amazon.com
Buy this book

Back to Zen Miracles Home Page

Excerpt From Zen Miracles

The Miracle of Love
Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D.

Most relationships are based upon the craving to be loved - not to be loving, but to be loved - to have one’s ego and sense of self importance affirmed. This is a quest for approval and validation in the eyes of another, and no matter how much we receive, usually it is never enough. The more we receive, the deeper the craving grows.

For many the experience of need, dependence, possessiveness, incompleteness or control are thought to be love. The desire, or craving for another person and the intense feelings it can generate are the basis for many relationships. It is easy to see that these feelings are not based in love, as the individual’s caught in these webs begin to battle for power, control or constant affirmation, as love turns to hate, and then rejection.

From the Zen point of view, this kind love is a trap. Even when we think we have it, the hungry heart is still not full. An important core of Zen practice is to dislodge us from addiction to counterfeit forms of love.

Most feel they have lost something precious their lives. They have no idea where it has gone or how to retrieve it. Many believe they will find it when they find that one special person or relationship that will take their loneliness away and fill their hungry hearts. But a temporary respite from loneliness cannot give them what they truly crave. Even if the relationship lasts for many years, sooner or later they must be alone with themselves. The further they search for love outside themselves, and the more they think they’ve found it, the deeper essential loneliness can grow.

Theodore sought his soul mate relentlessly. After corresponding with a woman in Europe for quite some time he decided she must be the one, and planned a trip to meet her.

“Soon I will actually see her,” he told his therapist before he left.

When he returned from the trip, he went to see the therapist again.

“I was right,” he told her. “She was my soul mate and I asked her to marry me on the second date. I thought time was short and I’d better let her know how I felt. She turned me down.”

The therapist asked him, “What would you have done if she had said yes?”

He said, “I would have had my hands full. But I know that once I have that soulmate, hands full or not, everything will be beautiful.”

This is a fine example of love as a mirage, or a placebo. After going to many different therapists, Theodore finally embarked upon the practice of Zen. His therapists had labeled him neurotic. His Zen Master told him to just “sit”. From a Zen point of view, labeling him neurotic is a judgment, which diminishes possibilities for him; it implants him in an identity that it may be hard to escape.When he tells his Zen Master he is relentlessly seeking his soulmate, his Zen Master smiles. “Keep sitting and you will find it.” Of course, what he expects Theodore to find is something different from what Theodore is expecting.

From the Zen view, a soulmate is not someone outside of yourself. It’s not an object you find which will make you whole magically. The longing for a soulmate is not ultimately for a person, but a longing to end the suffering and separation an individual feels. So, in Zen practice we learn how to end the suffering. As we do this we find that everyone may be our soulmate - or that we’re with our soulmate right now. We may even greet our soulmate when we see the sun shine through the window or the children playing on the streets.

This is not a rejection of human relationships, but when love is turned into a substance to provide security or end suffering, this kind of love is considered counterfeit. When we think we’re going to have a perfect situation with any person, inevitably, we will be disappointed and hurt. Life and relationships are about one thing only; change, change, change.

As they live lonely lives, searching for love or desperately trying to cling to what they’ve found, many become hopeless about ever finding fulfillment. No matter how many people they know, or relationships they have been in, as time passes and change happens they feel fundamentally alone.

“Something is always missing,” Karla said. ”In the beginning of the relationship I never realize it, or suspect it’s going to turn out this way again. He always seems like the perfect one, finally. We’re happy, excited, deeply in love, and then - reality sets in. Little traits of his start to annoy me. He forgets to call when he says he will. I start wondering who he really is? He starts looking at me critically, too. Our time together becomes run-of-the- mill, and the thrill of seeing him disappears. I can always tell the moment it’s over. I look at him and wonder what I loved. Suddenly he’s a stranger, and I’m a stranger to myself as well. I don’t feel beautiful anymore. The light has gone from my eyes.”

Of course the light can never leave Karla, but her experience is that something vital has disappeared. She was living in the grip of counterfeit love, the mirage of love, responding to an illusion. Karla initially saw her boyfriend as perfect. She most likely knew very little about him. Was she ever able to actually see, taste, or touch him? Did she see the part of him that is perfect, no matter what? Did she realize his Buddha Nature?

What Karla loved was her fantasy about her boyfriend, not him.. All fantasies fade, they have to - that is the nature of dreams. In the beginning the fantasy felt wonderful, though, and the beauty of it reflected upon her. She must also be perfect, she thought - if someone like him could love her. Then reality set in.

To Karla, reality could never be perfect - only fantasy. Reality was an enemy. Daily life is an opponent of fantasy, it always forces us to be who we are and see what is before us, whether we like it or not. Karla did not like reality, and blamed it upon her boyfriend, not upon her own unwillingness to be with life as it is. Instead she felt it was him who was deficient. She would find someone beautiful somewhere else.

Similarly, a young Zen student was extremely shocked and dismayed when she learned things about a senior student she had not known before. In a state of anxiety, she went to another student.

“I loved him so much,” she said. “I thought he was so beautiful, so perfect, such an example of Zen. Now my dreams are smashed.”

The friend looked at her slowly. “You didn’t love him at all,” he said. “You

loved your fantasies about him. If you can know the whole truth, and still love him, then that is really love.”

Karla was unable to love the truth of life, to see the real beauty surrounding her. As long as we do not know what love is, do not know how to receive another person, the hungry heart can never fill up.

We have little idea how to throw away imaginary thoughts and false expectations. When we give to others we expect to have our gifts returned, expect others to behave in certain ways. When these expectations are not met, the relationship immediately takes a different turn. If this happens frequently, the so-called love we have been feeling turns to hate, resentment, or the bitter taste of feeling we have been made a fool of. Living in this manner, it will surely be difficult to meet the Friend, (to have a real encounter with love).

When this pattern repeats too many times, some become unable to be in a relationship and instead live behind a wall, trying to protect themselves from failure and pain. Some insist that relationships are just too painful. They’ve had their fill, feel relationships only create more loneliness than before. These individuals may not be aware of the deeper problem - that they are not truly in relationship at all, but are caught in the grip of counterfeit love. Like most mirages, counterfeit love grabs its unsuspecting victims and leave them emptier than before. Zen practice comes to cure this, showing us how to dissolve all mirages.

From the psychological point of view healthy defenses are necessary. It is important to know who to love and who to reject. It is important to discriminate between individuals, casting away some and receiving others. While this gives us the sense of greater control of ourselves and our world, there is a price we pay for this as well. The price of not being all that we truly are.

From the Zen point of view, while discrimination is important, when our true selves are found, when real love (as opposed to attachment and mirages) is experienced, no one need ever be rejected, including ourselves.

“Wherever we go we re-create our shells (hells), like an insect carrying its shell on its body. We feel our shell keeps us safe, but it crushes us and others, and keeps out light and sun.”

Zen Master Taisen Deshimaru

Let us stop for a moment and look more deeply at counterfeit love, the source of true pain in relationships. Counterfeit love includes the idea that love is a feeling, not a way of life. It is confusion between excitement, dependence, attachment, possession and the experience of love. In real love there is no rejection or sense of separation from another or from ourselves. Before we become able to be this way with another, we must be able to be this way with ourselves.

In counterfeit love, when we have strong feelings towards someone, we immediately declare that we are in love. As all feelings change and pass into new feelings, most people are convinced that love cannot last. When their loving feelings turn unpleasant, they blame it upon the other and find all kinds of things wrong with them. Eventually that person is discarded.

Real love never discards anybody; it knows and accepts transience, never tries to hold the other back.

Psychologically speaking, we are trained to make sure that we are treated by others with consideration and respect. If this is not forthcoming, we consider it bad for our sense of self worth and are taught to leave the person behind and find someone new. In this model, our health becomes tied to the behavior of others. Our disposable society includes human beings, even those we have once dearly loved.

“I say good-bye after the third date if they don’t meet my needs,” Tim said proudly, “and I don’t just mean my needs in the bedroom - I mean my needs every place.” Tim is a vital guy in his thirties who is looking for love in his life. “I’m a great catch,” he says loudly, “anyone will be lucky to get me. I know what I want and if I get it, I’ll give a lot back in return.”

What Tim can’t understand is why he’s so lonely and unable to find that right person for him. Of course no one will ever be the right person for Tim until he himself becomes right.

Tim and others like him do not realize that their way of being turns others into objects, used to fulfill their personal needs. The crucial word for Tim is if. If he gets what he wants, he’ll give it as well. He’ll stroke your ego if you stroke his in return. This is not true giving, but barter, like in the marketplace. The relationship becomes a commodity. You play your role and he’ll play his. Tim wants someone he can wear on his arm to walk down the street. He never stops to ask, admired for what? By whom?

When we turn another person into an object, we never know who it is before us right now. We miss the incredible opportunity for the communion and connection we so desperately long for. We kill the other’s inwardness, and in the same stroke kill ourselves as well.

Make a list of what it is you expect in relationships, what you feel you can’t live without. Now, make another list of relationships you have had which have been just fine without it. In your present relationship, consciously, give up one expectation a day. Let the relationship be just as it is. See how you and your partner feel.

List all of the people you want to be loved by, and what you have done to make this happen. Write down the result. Have you been more loved? What else have you tried then? Now, turn it all around. Each day give that person exactly what you have wanted to receive. Do it mindfully, not overstepping boundaries. How do you feel now? What is happening to the relationship?

Describe what love means to you. Describe some situations in which you felt this was it, only to be horribly disappointed. Where did you go wrong? What did you take to be love that might have merely been infatuation, need, dependence, attachment, fear, etc. Look at this carefully. Begin to see what love is differently. Keep a diary about this. You’ll be amazed.

“Zuigan Gen Osho called to himself every day, “Master!” and answered, “Yes, sir!” Then he would say, “Be wide awake!” and answer, “Yes, sir!” Henceforward, do not be deceived by others!” “No, I won’t.”

“Old Zuigan himself buys and sells himself. He takes out a lot of God-masks and devil-masks and puts them on and plays with them. What for, he? One calling and the other answering; one wide awake, the other saying he will never be deceived. If you stick to any of them, you will be a failure. If you imitate Zuigan, you will play the fox.”

“Clinging to the deluded way of consciousness, Students of the Way do not realize truth. The seed of birth and death through endless eons: The fool calls it the true original self.”

There are many elements in this wonderful koan. But let us look at one of them here. Who is calling? Who is answering? Who is it that is deceived by others? It looks like one person is talking to himself. Can that be so?

Look carefully for yourself and see who it is you speak to; see who it is that is deceived by others. Then you will never be deceived again.

Rejection is one of the most painful experiences in relationships - not only rejection from others, but our rejection of ourselves. Many of our defenses and interpersonal manipulations are created to avoid this blow to our sense of worth. In psychology much time is spent dealing with this, unraveling the ways in which as children we have taken in negative messages about ourselves and turned them into who we are now. We also notice the way in which our rejection of our parents, (or their rejection of us), is projected by us onto our entire world. In order to avoid the experience of being rejected, many reject others first. This insures them of being the one in power, not crushed and left behind.

However, Zen practice has a different take on this. As we practice we see that our entire lives are built upon the activity of rejection. From the moment we wake up in the morning, until we go to sleep, we are busy rejecting what life has to offer. We are constantly accepting some experiences and throwing away many others. Indeed, rejection can be thought of as “the disease of the mind.”

“To separate what we like from what we dislike is the disease of the mind.”
Sosan, (Shin Jin Mei)

Separating What We Like From What We Dislike

This famous quote suggests that the pain and loss we experience in relationships has nothing to do with the other person, it is a disease lodged within our own mind. We cause this suffering by separating what we like from what we dislike, by constantly judging and condemning others, by refusing our love if a person doesn’t make the grade.

To separate what we like from what we dislike kills all relationships both with others and with ourselves. This basic tenet of Zen is a profound instruction both for meditation and relationships in everyday life.

We love one and hate another, we choose him and reject her. We admire the rich and step over the homeless. We look up at the masters, and down at beginning students. We sit in judgment upon all of life, never stopping to ask ourselves, who are we to judge anyone? Who made us judge and jury? Can we truly be so arrogant to judge and reject this immense world that has been given to us to love? Has it been given to us to dispose of it harshly? Or has it been given to tend? In order to feed our hearts, which are always so hungry, we must turn this usual way of behaving around one hundred and eighty degrees. This is an every day life koan that should be dwelt upon daily.

When we meet with someone noisy, rude or unpleasant, this is a wonderful opportunity. Rather than push the person aside, it is the perfect time to practice - do not separate what you like from what you dislike. Accept that person and be with him fully, just as he is. Become aware if you are sitting in judgment, and if so, stop it. Reject your own negative thoughts - do not reject others.

“Do not look for the faults of others, Look at your own deeds Done and undone.”
The Buddha - Dhammapadda

If we feel there is something wrong with everyone we meet, that we have to fix, change or instruct them, it is wise to listen more deeply to the Buddha’s teachings on relationships.

“Do not seek to straighten another Do a harder thing instead - Straighten yourself.”

This is a vitally different orientation from what we are used to. Here we see that loneliness is not our intrinsic nature, that it arises from selfishness, from projecting our faults onto others or trying to control and change them. In fact, Shantideva goes even a step further in The Bodhisattva’s Way of Life. Rather than find ways to get back at others or feel like a victim, this is what he recommends when someone has greatly hurt or disappointed you:

“When someone whom I have helped or in whom I have placed great hope harms me with great injustice, may I see that one as a sacred friend.”

This person is a great, sacred friend because he has come into our lives to teach us patience, endurance, compassion, to purify us of negative karma or poisons that we have accumulated over long periods of time. Based upon our earlier discussion of cause and effect, we understood that this painful event would not be now happening to us, if we had not set certain causes into effect at one time or another. Nothing is random or purposeless.

Understanding this, we stand up tall, accept what is happening and take responsibility for our part in how we perceive others, respond, and interact with them. As we do this, it is easy to see that our isolation and loneliness comes from our endless rejection, judgment and hatred of others (and in the same manner, also of ourselves). Of course we will feel lonely and isolated when we live in this way. Perhaps we deserve to. When we open our arms and our heart to the whole world and are willing to meet it just as it is, the whole world opens its whole arms to us as well. More importantly, we see there is nothing to reject, we are all one.

“Open your hands, If you want to be held.”
Rumi

The experience of acceptance and Oneness is a basic fruit of Zen practice. As we sit without moving, without escaping and running away, we are forced to make acquaintance with all that is within us. Like it or not, we cannot separate that which we dislike from that which we like. We must see, feel and taste whatever thoughts, memories and feelings come to mind. We cannot escape ourselves on the cushion. As we sit more deeply, we learn that the pain we experience in our zazen comes from rejecting and fighting unwanted parts of ourselves. As we stop fighting and rejecting, an amazing thing happens; no matter what comes, we feel joy, realizing we are all one and that all of life is being offered to us.

This experience of non-resisting, dissolves our walls of alienation and reminds us that we are all fundamentally united, fellow travelers upon this vast earth. Whoever appears before us is simply another face of ourselves, a different possibility. Why have we been resisting them? Zen says that all have been our mothers and fathers at one time or another. They have all tried their best for us. Rejection is not necessary. Curiosity is a better response.

Whether we want to do this or not, life itself will help us. Life is wonderful practice for making this teaching our flesh and bones. Just stop looking for what is wrong with the other and what is right with us. Stop looking out for number one. In fact, number one includes everyone.

As this happens we naturally develop Big Mind, or Parental Mind, the mind that accepts, does not cling, nurtures, heals and upholds all of life. Dogen Zenji, a great Zen master, gives us a wonderful description of someone who has attained this condition:

“When he was completely enlightened he could walk through mud and be splashed with dirty water without being upset. He simply accepted mud as mud - and dirty water as water. He was a free man, unattached to ideas of like or dislike. Such power comes from non-attachment.”

In order to develop Parental Mind, we must take ultimate responsibility for everything that appears in our lives. We don’t choose one thing and reject another - the homeless man on the street is just as precious as our own child. Though this attitude may seem impossible in the beginning, with time, patience, and steady practice, this kind of mind naturally grows.

From the psychological point of view we frequently work on the client’s primal relationship with the mother. This is complicated because many have a so-called love-hate relationship with their mothers. There is the bad mother who we do not like and the good mother we are always longing for. As we grow older we turn certain individuals in our lives into the bad mother, (male and female), and others into the good mother, thus splitting and separating everything. We develop a strong image of how the good mother is supposed to behave. As soon as the person deviates from that, they become the bad mother, and seem to deserve our rage. There are countless ways we find to punish them for our disappointment.

As we grow up, we still harbor that desire and fantasy., not only do we want the good mother to act a certain way, but to forever provide us with unconditional love. As a baby we didn’t have to earn love, and even though they are older now many still demand that unconditional response, no matter how they behave. Of course as we grow older we don’t get it. We may not have even gotten it with our mothers when we were young. This can then become justification, once again, for our anger, disappointment. and rejection in relationships.

But human love and human relationships naturally fluctuate. They are happy, unhappy, sad, close, distant, trustworthy and full of games. Sometimes we love someone very much, and then they do something we don’t like and suddenly the love is gone, dislike grows, apprehension and before long they may seem like an enemy. Our task in this practice, however, is to develop the true nature of friendship, or kindness, unconditional regard.

A Zen student was asked to teach a class on Zen meditation in a learning center in Times Square, N.Y. Of course, usually when we go to do zazen we think of going to a beautiful place where all is clean and quiet. The place was right near the train station in a noisy, dirty room. She came with a bell and pack of incense. A bunch of big, tough people sauntered into the room, people who seemed to have no idea what zen was - boxers, truck drivers. She told them all to sit down on the floor, cross their legs and straighten their backs. There wasn’t much time for the class and she wanted to get to the heart of the matter. So, these people sat down on the floor, straightened their backs and began to look more lively and beautiful.

She explained how to do zazen, rang the bell, and they all began.

They were sitting a short time when one yelled out, “Oh sweet mamma, be kind to me. Let me move.”

She looked at the clock. They’d only been sitting five minutes. “Don’t move,” she replied.

In another two minutes, he called out again, “Pain! I’m in pain!”

She didn’t answer and didn’t move.

“Sweet mamma,” he called more loudly still, “did you hear me? I’m in pain!”

When we’re in pain we call for our mamma. He was basically begging, “Be kind. Let me move.”

On the surface it looked as though she were being cruel by not allowing him relief, wanting him to feel his pain.

He kept calling, “Mamma, mia. Be kind.”

From our human point of view, being kind involves taking away pain, giving a piece of chocolate candy - comforting. We confuse love and comfort. We want tons of comfort. When someone we love seems to cause us pain, they are not a good mamma anymore.. There is a different kind of comfort in Zen practice. As we sit more and more we receive deep comfort, but not from being allowed to move or escape our pain, not from running away. Whatever comes to us on cushion, great joy, great trouble, pain, delight, our comfort comes in accepting it all. Being kind means learning how to accept all of our experience and allowing it transform itself - because it does transform itself when we don’t run away.

In this practice we have two officers in the zendo - the jikijitsu who plays the role of a strict father, who yells, “Sit. Don’t Move. Stop Whining. Hold your Back straight.” Then we have the jisha, who plays the role of mamma, brings tea, caring for us. Both are needed. In the zendo mother is precious, but mother isn’t always soft. And beyond that, we must learn where mother really is, who mother really is, how to become our own mother.

But how do we find that deep oneness and comfort that we always look for in someone else? Is it possible? Absolutely. Not only possible, but necessary. Because the human world, and psychological interaction is always full of good mother, bad mother, I love you, I don’t love you. I want you, I hate you, come closer, get away. With one hand we pull, with another we push. Even within ourselves we devise the good and bad mother. But what we do in Zen practice is to find comfort with it all.

When great love grows we become the mother, not only for ourselves, but everyone else. The mind that doesn’t discriminate is the mother, it is great love. It is the mind inside of ourselves that isn’t blaming, choosing, hating, that is the mother within us. Great love is real love. Great love can’t be affected by external conditions. We can also call it great compassion, or oneness with all beings, our own true nature. This can only grow by really knowing who we are, finding our real mother, the real source of mothering. And when great love begins to grow we can give it to all people without thinking this one is good, this one is bad, I love you, I hate you. In fact the person does not ever have to earn your love, they deserve it because there they are.

“Are you looking for me? I am in the next seat. My shoulder is against yours. You will not find me in stupas, Churches, shrines, zendos, not in Legs winding around your neck, nor In eating nothing but vegetables.”
--Kabir

There is a wonderful story about a great Zen Master who was called by his brother and asked to come home and help with his nephew. The boy had become a rebel, staying out late at night,smoking, drinking and making trouble. No matter how hard others tried to change and help him, he would listen to no one. His behavior grew worse daily, and the family was frightened.

The Zen Master agreed to visit for one week. He arrived at his brother’s home and just went along with the daily routine, spoke pleasantly to the nephew about this and that, and never mentioned his behavior. The nephew kept on waiting for his uncle to reprimand him. Instead the Master accompanied his nephew on his trips here and there. They spent time together, and still the Master said nothing.

Finally, the week passed and the time came for the Master to go home. The nephew stood close by, waiting for the scolding. Instead, as the Master bent over to tie his shoes, he began to silently cry. The nephew saw teardrops rolling down his cheeks and was deeply shaken. He could not move or say a word. From that time on, his behavior changed. He could not act the old way, even if he wanted to.

The Master lived in Parental Mind, where all beings were accepted. He did not live in a world of blame. He had no need to judge, reject or scold his nephew. Feeling so accepted and loved, the nephew could not help but open himself to another way of life.

Zen In Action

Here is an instruction to use in everyday life and is a remedy for the poisonous ways we have been in relationships. It comes from Lojong. (Lojong are part of Tibetan Buddhist teaching, where sayings are used as instructions to direct the mind to respond differently. This practice is beautifully described by Pema Chodron.

A wonderful instruction to work with in difficult relationships is: Never Give Up On A Person. A beautiful counterpart of this is Never Give Up On Yourself.

How easy it is to give up on others (and on ourselves) when our expectations aren’t met. The minute this happens remind yourself of the instruction and take a deep breath. Return to the relationship with patience, compassion and watchfulness.

We are helped in this practice by the virtue of doing zazen; by sitting still through all kinds of conditions, we learn to remain steadfast in the face of everything. We do not give up on anything, but are open, available, able to accompany the person with whatever they are going through rather than have to change or control him.

As we practice with this kind of “open-heartedness” it soon becomes obvious that the way we treat another is the way we also treat ourselves. That which we find ugly or unacceptable in another is simply a reflection of something we find ugly or unacceptable in ourselves.

When working with relationships, the second part of Naikan is very good to focus on. Make a daily list of what you have given that day. Usually we think we are giving all day long, so it can be quite a surprise to be concrete and specific and see what we actually gave to whom. Perhaps less than we thought? Perhaps more.

This practice keeps us very conscious of what we are actually giving back to others. If it is not enough, we will feel prompted to give more, and be happy when the opportunities arise rather than resentful. If we are giving a great deal and become conscious of it, this itself brings contentment.

We can also do this practice on a specific relationship. What have I given to this person - day by day, year by year? We can start from when we first knew them, and at each sitting do three years at a time. This keeps us awake and aware.

Become aware of the qualities you find ugly or unacceptable in others. (Write them down if you wish).

Realize that these are qualities that also exist within yourself.

Make peace with these qualities, both within and without.

The more we hide from, ignore or repress aspects of ourselves and project them onto others, the more power these qualities have over us, and the greater likelihood they will appear in our lives as symptoms, bad dreams, or repetitive situations which we feel we have no control over. Robert Bly calls this the Shadow aspect of human life. He says that we dump all unacceptable parts of ourselves into our unconscious, hide from it and let it fester there. Then we see these qualities in individuals and situations around us.

In order to be free of this process, we must “eat our shadow.” This means we must reclaim and own these hidden qualities, realize they are part of us, and welcome them into our lives. The very act of welcoming certain qualities or people takes the steam out of them. We can then absorb the energy and transform them into something constructive.

Zen practice is the practice of doing this - eating the shadow, sitting and knowing that we oursleves contain the entire world.

“A monk asked Ummon, “What is Buddha?” Ummon replied, “Toilet paper!”

“Ummon was too poor to prepare plain food, too busy to speak from notes. He hurriedly took up Toilet Paper to support the Way.”

Back to Zen Miracles Home Page